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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23533099">Are you ready? Yeah, of course…</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freelikeabird/pseuds/Freelikeabird'>Freelikeabird</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Rape Recovery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:49:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,049</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23533099</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freelikeabird/pseuds/Freelikeabird</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke and Lexa have been dating for four months.<br/>Four months, one week and three days to be exact...<br/>Tonight, it's time for the next step.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clarke Griffin/Lexa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>97</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello everybody!</p><p>My country is on lockdown and I thought this is a fine time for a first, ever story. Feedback for a next chapter/story is appreciated.<br/>Enjoy your day and be safe!<br/>P.S. English isn't my native language, my apologies for the grammar and spelling mistakes.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Four months, actually four months, one week and three days to be exact, that’s how long they have been girlfriends. Before that, they had spent three months of dating when Clarke finally had to courage to make it official and asked Lexa to be “exclusive”. She hadn’t been able to finish her question before Lexa’s yes came. The last four months (and one week and four days) had been an accumulation of date nights in restaurants, evenings in bowling alleys or other excursions, cozy movie-nights and getting to know each other and friends a bit more. </p><p>Tonight, was date night, fancy restaurant, fancy dress (Clarke) and a nice shirt and costume pants (Lexa). Lexa had picked the restaurant and was planning to pick Clarke up after her work. She was more nervous than she had been for the past couple of dates and movies nights. Since they had started to date they hadn’t been intimate. Lexa knew it was her fault, she knows Clarke was ready to take the next step. Every time there make out sessions became too heated, Lexa had stopped them. Clarke always listened, she was a big fan of the phrase consent is sexy, one of the many, many reasons Lexa was so smitten with the blonde woman. Tonight though, Lexa was ready to take it to the next step. At least, that was what she kept on telling herself. She had to start letting go of the past and working on her future. A future with Clarke…  </p><p>Clarke wasn’t stupid, her Ivy-league education proofed that she was booksmart, but she also liked to think she was Lexa-smart, a consequence of her long crush before she dared to make a move and ask the shy woman on a first date. The whole night Lexa had been nervous, her fork fell out of her hand, she tripped over her own feet and wasn’t paying so much attention to Clarkes stories as usual. She had asked, of course, if the woman was alright but Lexa insisted, she was fine, she just had a long day at work and Clarke let it go. She wasn’t a stranger to tiring days and frustrating co-workers.<br/>
After a nice meal they returned to Clarkes house to say (and kiss) goodbye. Lexa liked those goodbye kisses. According her (unbiased) opinion, Clarke was the best kisser in the whole world, her kisses were sweet, yet dominant in their exploration for Lexa lips, asking for entrance. These goodbye kisses usually ended in two ways, with a real goodbye and a promise of a next date or with a steamy make out session on the couch. Sometimes their hands wandered under the clothes before they stopped there evening. </p><p>This evening, they made it to Clarke couches and were enjoying each other’s touch. Clarke was mentally preparing herself to stop, she knows Lexa isn’t ready and she refuses to do something to make her girlfriend uncomfortable. Tonight though, it looked like Lexa wasn’t planning on stopping her anytime soon. She was on top of Clarke, her hands were everywhere and her breathing became more erratic.  “Wait, wait honey,” Clarke moaned. “Are you okay?” Her question made Lexa stop and take a deep breath. “I am ready Clarke,” she whispered shyly. </p><p>Clarke eyes popped open with the answer and she felt her hart skip a beat. “Really? Cause you don’t have to be. I don’t mind wai…” She started to stay. “Yes Clarke, I am sure,” Lexa smiled (her first genuine smile of the evening Clarke noticed). Lexa leaned in to kiss her again but Clarke stopped her. “Hold on Lex, you have been nervous all evening so I wasn’t really expecting this. If we are going to do is, I want to go to the bedroom and use an actual bed. I know you have a bad back,” she winked. </p><p>She grabbed Lexa’s hand, pulled her from the couch and together they walked to the bedroom. Before they entered, she turned around, grabbed her brown haired girlfriend by the neck and kissed her hard and long. She stumbled to the bed, taking Lexa with her.  When Clarke felt the edge of her bedframe in her knees, she turned them around, dropped Lexa on her bed and fell on top of her. Lexa moaned in her mouth, which turned Clarke on even more. “Can I take this of?” panted Clarke while grabbing Lexa’s shirt. Lexa nodded while putting her own hands under the blondes dress, discovering unknow skin to her.Lexa’s shirt flew through the room and Clarke let her eyes wander over Lexa, admiring her half naked girlfriend wearing a pretty, black bra. Lexa, noticing her girlfriend stare, looked nervous at Clarke.“Hey,” Clarke whispered to Lexa. “Still good?” Lexa nodded timidly with earned her a smile from the blonde. “You’re very beautiful”, Lexa whispered to Clarke. Clarke looked confident and dropped her own dress on the floor, leaving her in a matching combination of red panties and bra.  </p><p>Clarke started to kiss Lexa again, slowly making her way to Lexa’s pants. She opened the buttons and with a nod of approval took them down. Staring at her now almost naked girlfriend Clarkes enthusiasm took the best of her and she touched Lexa panties without looking op again. Lexa started to whimper, shutting her eyes close and turning her neck in submission. She couldn’t stop Clarke know, it had been so good until now. She just had to get her breathing under control  and keep those familiar feelings of panic away. Clarke didn’t noticed it immediately, taking Lexa’s noises as moans of approval. She continued exploring the wet patch between her girlfriends legs. “You’re already so wet, let me try to make you feel good” she said coyly. The moment Clarke whispered those words, something in Lexa snapped. She wasn’t there anymore, in Clarkes bedroom, where she felt save and loved, but was suddenly back with him. In her own dorm, now one and a half year ago.</p><p>The sudden stiffness of her partner made Clarke look up, curious to the change in behaviour. Instead of the expect looks of enjoyment she only found a fearful face, eyes closed but she could she her eyes rapidly moving. “Shit, Lex,” she muttered, jumping away from the terrified girl. The minute she let go of Lexa, the girl made herself into a small ball, obvious still having trouble breathing.<br/>
Clarke looked around the room, looking for something she could put on so she wouldn’t scare the younger woman anymore with her almost naked body. Seeing her previous worn dress on the floor she grabbed it, put it on and went to take the panicking girl in her arms. </p><p>“It’s okay Lex, take a deep breath,” she whispered softly in her ear. She could see Lexa trying but not calming down, tears streaming down her face. Remembering the few things health class actually taught her, she tried to calm the girl down with some questions using a soft but commanding voice.</p><p>“Name three things you can see”<br/>
“the door, th-the lamp, cl-othes” Lexa managed to say.<br/>
“So good honey, now two you can feel”<br/>
“The bed, you-your arms” Lexa stuttered<br/>
“One you can smell”<br/>
“ You” Lexa’s voice sounding a bit calmer. </p><p>“Very good Lexa, just follow my breathing, in and out” Clarke said to crying woman. “I’m so sorry Cl-Clarke” Lexa hiccupped. “It’s okay, it’s okay, in and out” Clarke responded softly.<br/>
She noticed Lexa shiffering in her arms so she looked around for her blanket. Noticing it at the end of her bed, Clarke reached over to grab it, letting go of Lexa in the process. Lexa whined softly. "just making sure your warm honey" Clarke responded immediately. She grabbed the blanket and put it around the sniffling girl and herself. “Breath in and out Lex, I am not letting you go”. She continued to hold her until Lexa cried herself to a restless sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello everybody, sorry for the long wait!</p><p> I hope everybody is still staying safe during these tough times. </p><p>Again, this is my first story and English is not my native language. Feedback is always appreciated !</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Morning came to soon for both of them. Clarke had been up all night watching Lexa, calming the girl when she started to whimper, here dreams playing games with her mind. While waiting for Lexa to wake up, Clarke thought back , trying to find an explanation for what happened that evening.</p><p>Clarke and Lexa officially met a couple months after college graduation. They went to the same school but besides the occasional nod of recognition not much came of it. As art student and a Criminology student there weren’t many reasons to talk or work together. On the first day of Clarkes new job, an assistant-manager in a small art-gallery, she went for a coffee run in a small bar close by and ran into Lexa. They recognised each other immediately and after a couple of ‘hey, I know you!” and “what are you doing here?” ended up sharing a cup of coffee and an interesting conversation. Lexa, about to finish the police academy, was the brave one and asked Clarke out for some drinks the next day. Clarke, running very late for work at that moment, eagerly agreed before finally bringing her boss his coffee (she had to kiss his ass for a couple of weeks to make up for her lousy start on the job). Two weeks later, Clarke took the punch and kissed Lexa, something the green eyed girl really didn’t mind. A week later they made it official and that was four months ago. </p><p>During those four months they went on a lot of dates, met each other friends and got to know each other really well. They talked about their dream jobs, their fears, their goals… Clarke knew there was something that Lexa was hiding and wasn’t ready to talk about. When they talked about their student years or previous girl- and boyfriends Lexa never really shared, “I was a student Clarke, I studied, played college soccer and worked as a waitress during free moments, when would I have dated?”. Clarke had hoped the girl would find the courage to share when time went on but after tonight she had an horrible idea about what happened to her girlfriend. She knew they would have to have a, probably hard, conversation when Lexa woke up.</p><p>It was around 7 o’clock when Lexa started to stir again. Clarke, thinking it was another dream attacking her girlfriend, was prepared to calm her but before she was able to assess the situation completely Lexa opened her eyes. “Hey” Lexa whispered to Clarke, voice still thick with sleep. She turned to take a look at the clock and signed. “Pfff, 7 am, what a way to start the weekend”. Clarke cracked a smiled at that remark, Lexa’s adversely for mornings was well know to her friends, family and even co-worker.  “Sorry honey, I know you hate all the hours between 5 and 8 am with a passion. If you want I can go make the coffee while you get dressed and I’ll meet you in the kitchen” Lexa smiled at that proposition and gave a slight nod in agreement. </p><p>She waited until Clarke left the room before she got out of bed, looking for her favourite sweatpants and t-shirt. Lexa knew that, once she went to the kitchen, Clarke would wanted to talk about last night. The blonds ADHD-tendencies would prevent her form ignoring the elephant in the room any longer. She freaked out last night and it was her own fault. The longer the sad woman thought about it, the more upset she became. Clarke was amazing, it had been more than a year, she initiated the sex and went to the occasionally group therapy. And that still wasn’t enough?<br/>
Lost in her own world, Lexa didn’t hear Clarke come in. “Lex, your coffee is getting cold” Clarke signed wen she noticed Lexa jump at the noise. “Easy honey, why don’t we go sit on the couch. Talks easier than your messy bedroom.” Lexa laughed at that joke, from them two, she wasn’t the one described as messy but she appreciated Clarkes effort to lighten her mood. </p><p>The two girls installed themselves on Lexa’s couch, Clarke on one side and Lexa on the other side. Clarke noticed her partners closed of position. Wrapped in a cozy tv-blanket, knees tucked closed to her chest and avoiding eye contact by staring at her, now not so warm, cup of coffee. Her whole posture screaming ‘stay away, I need my space’. Right when Clarke thought she was going to have to start the conversation, she heard Lexa mumble something. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you honey” she said, hoping she could push Lexa into talking again. “I’m sorry about last night Clarke, that wasn’t…it wasn’t supposed to go like that…” Lexa said, her voice losing some of its power at the end of her sentence. “You don’t have to apologize Lexa. If anybody should, it’s me.  I should have noticed sooner that something was wrong” Clarke said, feeling angry at herself. That anger had grown during the night when she was trying to figure out what went wrong that evening. She had noticed Lexa’s nerves during dinner and during the kissing part. Had asked her if she was okay but then Lexa said she was fine and had looked at her with those beautiful eyes… She didn’t questioned it anymore and took their activities to the bedroom. If Clarke could turn back time she would. During previous date nights she had sensed that Lexa wasn’t ready for and Clarke didn’t want to push her by bringing the subject up or talking about it. Looking back now, she found herself foolish to no start that conversation sooner. She was comfortable about that subject but hadn’t taken the time to know what Lexa’s views on the matter where. For all she knows, it could have been Lexa’s first time… Than it did happen, and she hadn’t noticed her girlfriend unease until she had a full blown panic attack…</p><p>“Ho, no Clarke, why would you have to say sorry?” Lexa was surprised, Clarke had been so sweet and gentle the minute she noticed something was wrong. “I should have seen sooner something was wrong, I..” “No”, Lexa stopped the girl before she could go any further, “no, I should have said something or asked you to stop. You stopped the minute you saw.” Clarke looked sceptically at Lexa “But I should have seen. You were panicking at I was only thinking about myself.” Lexa shook her head at that remark. “You weren’t, you asked if I was okay, you took care of me the minute I lost control. What happened wasn’t your fault, Clarke… On the contrary.” </p><p>“What do you mean, on the contrary?”</p><p>Lexa fell silence after that question, staring at the ugly painting on the wall (gift from her cousin, Clarke didn’t really like her “I am an artist Lex, why would her gift be this horrible painting if it wasn’t to spite me?”). </p><p>“Lexa?” Clarke nudged her softly with her foot. </p><p>“During college... Last year… I didn’t mean…” Lexa didn’t know where to start the conversation. She took a couple of deep breaths, closed her eyes and told it the only way she knew. It was how she told it at the hospital the night it happened. How she disclosed to her cousin. Said it to her parents.  All at once, no eye contact, very fast so there was no turning back. “I was raped.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello everybody</p>
<p>I know, fast update but inspiration and motivation struck. Before you read this, I want you to know that the feelings expressed in this conversation are not the same for every survivor or partner of a survivor. This story is a combination of fictional and non-fictional elements out of my personal life so if you don't agree with something I wrote or if you want to start a conversation about the fic you can find me on tumblr:<br/>bird121.tumblr.com  (at least, I think you can find me like that, not a very active tumblr, mostly an enthousiastic follower)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“ During college... Last year… I didn’t mean…” Lexa didn’t know where to start the conversation. She took a couple of deep breaths, closed her eyes and told it the only way she knew. It was how she told it at the hospital the night it happened. How she disclosed to her cousin. Said it to her parents. All at once, no eye contact, very fast so there was no turning back. “I was raped.” </em>
</p>
<p>It always gave Lexa a strange feeling, saying those words. To her, it was admitting it happened and risking that the person standing in front of you was never going to look at you the same way again. To her, those words had a lot of power, despite wishing otherwise. She talked with other survivors about those feelings associated with those words. Some recognized those fears, others not so much. That’s what she liked about group therapy. So many (too much) experiences, different emotions and fears. It was a safe place to talk and help each other. Yet, at this moment she wasn’t talking to somebody who understood, how experienced the same thing but to her girlfriend. Happy Clarke, sweet Clarke, innocent Clarke…</p>
<p>Clarke had a fear that something bad happened. But thinking it happened and knowing it happened, was so different. The moment she heard Lexa’s word, she wanted to hug the woman, keep her close and never let her go. Looking at Lexa, still in her “stay away” position, she had a feeling moving now, wouldn’t be the best idea. “ Shit Lexa…” she managed to say “ I am so sorry”.</p>
<p>“Hmm” was the only sound Lexa made, still avoiding eye contact. Silence fell between the two girls, both stuck in their own mind.</p>
<p>Clarke didn’t know what to do. On one side she wanted to know what happened, that way she could protect Lexa from potential trigger but along the other side, she didn’t want to know. Knowing somebody hurt Lexa that way was bad enough, knowing the details won’t make it any better. Beside, did Lexa wanted to talk about it? She took a good look at her girlfriend and decided to trust her instincts. They screamed at her to make sure Lexa knew she was there, for whatever she needed. “Lex” she started “thank you for telling me. I know.. no I can imagine, it wasn’t easy. Do you want to tell me what happened or parts of it or nothing? Know that you don’t have to, whatever you want or need, I am here for you.” For the first time since they sat on the couch, Lexa looked at her partner, saw the sincerity in her eyes. <em>Fuck it, we’ll see if she stays after this. </em></p>
<p>"It happened in my final year. Technically it started before that, he just didn’t cross that line until then. The media give you this image about how the biggest danger lies in the unknow assailant. That’s bullshit. If you look at the numbers, a big part of the assaults happen by someone the vic.. the survivor knows." Lexa let out a breath. She isn’t the best talker about this subject but she tries. It comes a bit easier every time she opens up to someone. To Anya, her cousin, and her parents it was so tough she almost vomited after she got the words out. Later in group, it went a bit easier, everybody knows why you’re there anyway. A couple of months ago she opened up to an survivor she met during a case. It helped the man to disclose his own story. Again, it went a bit easier than the time before. But it’s never <em>easy</em>, she still feels it when she’s talking about it, it still makes her sick and angry. </p>
<p>Clarke looked at her girlfriend taking a few big breaths. “Can I hold you?” she cautiously asked. She waited until Lexa nodded before carefully shifting her position and taking the other woman in her arms. “Thank you” she heard Lexa mumble. “I’ve got you” she whispered back in Lexa’s hair.</p>
<p>She always felt safe in Clarke’s arms, from their first hug after their first coffee together. Being hugged by the blonde, felt right somehow.</p>
<p>“He euhm he was an other student, we worked on some groups project together. Fucking group projects, even college doesn’t give you a break.” Clarke had to giggle at that statement, she likes the contact with other people but Lexa prefers working alone (“than I know I am doing it right Clarke”). “We became friends at first, he followed the NWSL like I did and we went to some matches together.” “Go Thorns!” Clarke said after that statement, a reference to their shared favorite team. “Yeah” Lexa smiled after that interruption “but soon he became… attached, he brought flowers over, texted me a lot throughout the day, even getting angry when I didn’t answer within a couple of hours… I thought he had a crush on me and didn’t know I was gay. So hmm I told him. Figured honesty is the best policy, you know?” she looked at Clarke when she said that, who nodded.</p>
<p>“He took it okay, at first and we stayed friends, he reduced the contact but I was fine with that. We still went for a weekly beer in the bar or even to a game from time to time. I thought he was my friend.” Lexa fell silent after that last sentence, lost in her memories, staring at the wall.</p>
<p>“What happened honey” Clarke asked hoarsely, her heart breaking for the betrayed women in her arms.</p>
<p>“He showed up at my door one night. Asking if I wanted to go for a beer. Saying we had to talk. I had planned to do a nightly study session but...yeah… he was my friend. I invited him, saying it was a more comfortable place and that I didn’t feel like drinking. Stupid of me, looking back now I should have realized that he did felt like drinking and obvious had been drinking before showing up. We talked for a bit but he was obvious talking around his problem. So I straight up asked him wat was wrong. He said he needed another chance. That I had try it. I thought he was making a joke so I laughed. When he kissed me, I froze for a second before I pushed him away. He…he did not like that. I couldn’t fight him off, froze. Can you believe that? I went to the gym two times a week, played soccer three times  and was completely sober and the only thing I could do was freeze!?” She had to take a break before going any further. She didn’t like going in to detail, didn’t see the point in telling exactly what happened and how it happened to people. She did it in the hospital because she had to but that was the last time. “God Clarke, it hurt so badly”. She felt the tears coming. <em>Crap, now I am also crying.</em> It wasn’t until she felt Clarke moved that she looked at her girlfriends face and noticed that Clarke had already lost the battle against her own tears.</p>
<p>Clarke hugged her girlfriend tightly, no plans of ever letting go. She couldn’t imagine how Lexa felt, hurt so badly by somebody she trusted.</p>
<p>“Did you press charges?”</p>
<p>“He left me laying on my own bed, to hurt to move. I was a criminology student, I knew the risks of not getting checked by a doctor but I also knew the justice numbers. A lot of risks, way to low number. I did the kit, told my story to a cop. Felt like it was my duty, I wanted to be one after graduation so I had to learn to trust them, right? Those questions… ‘did you fight back? You were sober but he wasn’t? You knew he loved you but kept coming back to him?’ It was so hurtful. He got kicked out from school, got mandatory community service and went on the sex offender record for two years. A deal was made, I just wanted to be over and my lawyer told me it was my safest bet for justice… Looking back, it doesn’t really feel like justice to me”. Lexa got angrier the more she spoke. After she joined the force, she swore to herself she would be different than the officers she encountered. She tries to live by her promise every time she put on her badge.</p>
<p>It got quit in the apartment after Lexa’s words. Clarke, still holding her girlfriend close, silently crying and Lexa, with closed eyes, trying to calm herself down.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“So…what happens now Clarke?” Lexa’s voice cut into the silence.</p>
<p>“Whatever you want Lex, whatever you want.”</p>
<p> </p>
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